Many of us have been in situations where we've said, "You didn't make me orgasm.", "You're not turning me on.", to "I need more excitement in our relationship." While often unintentional to hurt the other person, the way we phrase our desires and requests can impact the confidence and desirability of our partner.
Sexual intimacy is an essential part of many relationships, and ensuring that both partners feel satisfied is crucial for maintaining a healthy connection. One of the most effective ways to achieve this is by openly communicating your desires and needs. We’ll explore the best ways to express what you want during sex, along with practical examples to help you navigate these conversations.
1. Start with a Conversation Outside the Bedroom
Why It’s Important: Discussing sexual desires in a neutral setting can reduce pressure and create a comfortable environment for both partners. It's important to do this during a neutral setting when neither of you feel guarded or insecure.
Example: Over a relaxed dinner or during a cozy evening at home, bring up the topic of your sexual relationship. You can try saying, "I've been thinking about how we can make our intimate moments even better. What do you think about giving ____ a try?"
2. Be Specific and Direct
Why It’s Important: Don't beat around the bush. We already get naked for sex, why are we still guarding ourselves with someone we're getting naked with? Specificity helps your partner understand exactly what you want, avoiding any confusion or misinterpretation.
Example: Instead of vague statements like "I want more excitement," be specific. You could say, "I really enjoy it when you kiss my neck. It would be amazing if we could do more of that." or talk about a situation that turns you on and how you'd like to play the scenario out with your partner.
3. Use Positive Reinforcement
Why It’s Important: Positive reinforcement encourages your partner by acknowledging what they do well, which can boost their confidence and willingness to explore new things. In Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity" and "The State of Affairs," Perel discusses the significance of validating your partner’s efforts and strengths. She believes that recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of your partner fosters a sense of security and connection, which is crucial for maintaining intimacy and passion.
Esther Perel also often suggests that couples build a narrative around their relationship that focuses on positive experiences and mutual admiration. By highlighting what each partner does well and expressing gratitude, couples can create a more resilient and loving bond.
Example: Highlight what your partner does that you love instead of using tones that may sound like a complaint such as "I wish you were turning me on better." Instead, you can try, "I love it when you touch me gently at first and then gradually get more intense. It really turns me on."
4. Non-Verbal Communication
Why It’s Important: It's difficult to look into another person's eyes and be truly vulnerable with them. That's why non-verbal cues can be powerful, especially if verbalizing desires feels awkward or difficult.
Example: Try non-verbal communication physically by guiding your partner's hand to the areas where you want to be touched. Your actions can speak volumes and can be a gentle way to express your desires without words. If you also feel shy with non-verbal physical communication, you can also try writing down on paper or texting one another when you're away from one another!
5. Explore and Experiment Together
Why It’s Important: Relationship therapist Esther Perel mentioned in her book, “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship is to find a way to bring together the need for security and the need for adventure.” Exploring new experiences together can enhance intimacy and keep your sexual relationship exciting and dynamic. By introducing this need for adventure is also introducing time and intention that you're putting into the relationship.
Example: Suggest trying something new together, such as, "I've read about this new position that sounds interesting. Do you want to try it with me?" Another fun idea to explore and experiment together is by doing the BDSM Test together and understand more about one another's kinks and fetishes.
6. Create a Safe Space for Feedback
Why It’s Important: John Gottman is a leading psychologist known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations. He emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space in relationships. “In the end, it's not what you say or even what you do, but how you make people feel that matters the most.” Ensuring that both partners feel safe to share their thoughts can lead to a more honest and open sexual relationship.
Example: Encourage open dialogue by saying, "I want us both to feel amazing. If there's something you'd like to change or try, please tell me." It is also important that you're not only creating a safe space to listen, but to to respect the other person's viewpoint. Sometimes what they say may hurt you, take time away to think before answering.
7. Use 'I' Statements
Why It’s Important: This is super important! Using "I" statements helps to express your feelings without sounding accusatory, reducing the chance of your partner feeling defensive.
Example: Express your desires using "I" statements to avoid making your partner feel defensive. Instead of, "You don't make eye contact with me enough during sex," try saying, "I feel really connected to you when we make eye contact during sex. Can we try doing that more often?"
8. Listen and Respond to Your Partner’s Needs
Why It’s Important: Mutual satisfaction in a sexual relationship comes from both partners feeling heard and valued. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotional Focused Therapy believes that for couples to create the essence of love, they need to be the safe haven and secure base for one another, and by being tuned in, responsive, and accessible.
Example: After expressing your desires, ask your partner about theirs: "Is there anything you’d like us to do differently or explore more?"
9. Practice Patience and Understanding
Why It’s Important: Being patient shows that you respect your partner’s comfort level and are willing to work together to improve your sexual relationship. It's normal and important to reset in your relationship every few months to get on the same page.
Example: Understand that not every conversation or attempt will be perfect. You might say, "I know it might take some time for us to feel completely comfortable with this, and that's okay."
10. Revisit the Conversation Regularly
Why It’s Important: Regular check-ins can help ensure that both partners’ needs are continuously met and can adapt to changing desires. A quarterly to half a year check-in with one another to see where each other is in the relationship is healthy and helpful! It's also a moment that you can create to bring you closer together.
Example: Make it a habit to check in with each other about your sexual relationship. "How are you feeling about our sex life lately? Is there anything new you'd like to try?"
Achieving sexual satisfaction for both partners hinges on open, honest, and compassionate communication. By expressing your desires clearly and considering your partner's needs, you can create a more fulfilling and intimate sexual relationship. Remember, the key is to foster a space where both you and your partner feel safe and valued.