What is polyamory? Ask me how it works.

We will deep dive into a fascinating book that’s reshaped how I think about relationships: Deepa Paul's Ask Me How It Works: Love in an Open Marriage.

💬 What is polyamory, anyway?

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent of everyone involved. Unlike cheating, it's based on transparency, trust, and communication. For some, it's an orientation; for others, a choice. It’s often confused with open relationships, but there's a distinction: polyamory typically involves emotional connections with more than one person, while open relationships may focus more on sexual openness.

🤔 Does polyamory actually work? And who is polyamory for?

It’s not for everyone — and that’s the point.

A recent UK study found that a third of heterosexual men and 11% of heterosexual women were open to polyamorous relationships such as having more than one spouse or long-term partner. A 2023 YouGov poll found that 12% have considered non-monogamy. While it doesn’t come with a guaranteed success rate (what relationship style does?), research shows that people in healthy poly or open relationships report similar levels of satisfaction, trust, and love as those in monogamous ones — when done with care and communication.

Non-monogamy often appeals to those who value autonomy, deep emotional honesty, and non-traditional life paths. But like any relationship model, it demands self-awareness, strong boundaries, and maturity. 

While we're on the topic of non-monogamy and polyamory, we thought it would be helpful to share this chart that breaks down different types of non-monogamous relationships.

It highlights just how diverse relationship models can be — and this is only one slice of the broader spectrum. The depth and breadth of human relationships are vast, and there's so much for all of us to explore.

📚 Ask Me How It Works: Love in an Open Marriage by Deepa Paul

At its heart, this memoir bravely explores the intricacies of open marriage and non-monogamy. The book opens with a striking scene: Deepa rises from her boyfriend’s bed in Amsterdam, cycles home, and finds her husband content with his own companion. Immediately, she confronts us with a version of marriage that breaks every rule we’re taught — and invites us to explore the questions that follow: Whose idea was it? What are the rules? Do you ever get jealous?

But Ask Me How It Works isn’t just about relationship structure — it’s about identity, courage, and self-discovery. Deepa opens up about her evolution: from dutiful wife and mother to someone who asked, out loud, for the life and intimacy she truly wanted. Her storytelling is vulnerable, poetic, and at times, disarmingly raw.

As Gillian Anderson says, the book offers “a stunningly vulnerable and poetic glimpse into her most intimate spaces and through her journey to sexual liberation.” Goodreads reviewers call it “honest and accessible,” “a raw, thought-provoking dive into non-monogamy,” and a must-read for anyone curious about love beyond the monogamous script.

Each chapter begins with a question — a format that reflects the exploratory, ever-evolving nature of love, commitment, and freedom. Deepa’s voice, as a woman of colour navigating all of this, adds vital depth to a conversation often dominated by white, Western narratives.

Ultimately, Ask Me How It Works is more than a memoir. It’s a conversation-starter on the topic of polyamory. A challenge. An invitation. It asks: Can I ask for what I want and still honour the life I’ve chosen? Do I deserve it? Is it worth it? Deepa’s answer is brave, clear, and deeply human. And it might just shift how you see relationships — or at the very least, open your heart to asking a few new questions of your own.

"One night, Marcus waits for our daughter to fall deep into sleep. Then he decides it’s time. He takes my hand and leads me into the darkened bedroom, which flickers with the glow of candlelight and throbs with the rumble of bass. ‘Black Russian’ by DVS1, the architect of our incandescent night at the Wall of Sound, plays on the Bluetooth speaker. He remembers this detail and gives it a place; I love him for it.

On the bed, coiled into neat figure eights, lie four lengths of jute rope, each the matte red of wine-stained lips. When I see them, anticipation wets the corners of my mouth, a river rising under my tongue and behind my teeth. My breath swells from deep in my belly high into my chest. As I stand before the bed, a silken blackness descends over my eyes.

The first knot is tied behind my head. I swallow hard but say nothing. Instead, I slide into bliss- ful silence like a warm bath. Now I understand: the ropes are not for my body. They are for my mind. They pull my mind into my body and bind it there, where I so desperately need to be. I only want to feel, and now the one thing that stops me from doing so has been silenced and tamed.

He doesn’t need to tell me what he wants. The ropes do it for him.
Framing my breasts, tied in a knot that presses against my clit, threaded down between my lips and up between my cheeks, the ropes become burning paths of friction. The tiny hot tongues of their fibres lick me open: teasing, priming, sensitizing. In his hands, they do the work of spreading me, turning me over, preparing me like a delicacy to be savoured; our bed is the table, and the feast is laid.

The ropes are his messengers: guiding my wrists behind me, laying the backs of my hands against the skin of my tailbone, pressing my arms to my sides, binding my ankles and feet. They whisper: You need not do anything. Pleasure is coming. Wait for it.
There will be more experienced lovers, more deft hands and devious minds. But no one knows me, cares for me or loves me as he does. This is why I trust him as I trust no one else. This is why my surrender is instant, effortless and complete. His knots are far from expert, his movements far from sure. He must pause and consider, retrace and redo, many times. But these are no longer the loose, hasty knots of his first, clumsy attempts. Between this moment and our last con- versation, he has taken the time to study, practise, and learn.

And this is what I need. Time. This is what I want. Adoration. This is what I deserve. Pleasure."

Get a copy of "Ask Me How It Works" by Deepa Paul here.