Coco Sabajo: 'Postpartum Is the Biggest Mismatch a Couple Can Face'

April 16, 2026 The Oh Collective

Coco Sabajo-Lanen — personal trainer, coach at Vondelgym Amsterdam and mother of four.

Coco Sabajo-Lanen is a personal trainer at the Vondelgym, specialising in pre- and postnatal fitness, and mother of four. She has been with Pepijn Lanen for seventeen years. We spoke to her about something many women think but rarely say out loud: what actually happens to your body, your desire and your relationship after having a baby.

'At 24, I Took It All for Granted'

Coco became a mother for the first time at twenty-four. She and Pepijn had already been together for six years, it felt like a natural next step, and her body recovered quickly. Perhaps too quickly to really let it sink in. "I was far less aware of what was happening," she says. "The wonder of carrying a baby, how powerful a pregnant body actually is — at 24, I just didn't register it. I took it for granted."

By her last pregnancy, at 32, that had changed completely. "I had this real sense of: this body feeds, carries, nurtures. How incredible is that, actually?" That shift in self-awareness is something she sees in many of the women she works with. "The older I get, the more patience and love I have for my own body."

Four pregnancies in twelve years. Add it all up and she has been pregnant for almost eight years. "And I've become softer because of it. Much softer. Less hard on myself. And on others too, because I am not you, and you are not me."

Postpartum: 'My Body No Longer Felt Like Mine'

Then the conversation we actually wanted to have. What does having a baby do to intimacy, with yourself and with your partner?

Coco is direct. "Postpartum intimacy was the thing I was least prepared for. It is something you only understand once you live it." She describes how her body felt strange to her in the first months after giving birth. "It was still my body, but it also felt like it wasn't. It was still in service mode. As a carrier. As a feeder."

That sense of disconnection — from herself, and from Pepijn — came from within. "I had thoughts like: I'm not attractive anymore. When I said it out loud, he immediately pushed back. But the thought was still there. It came from me, not from him."

Pepijn gave her space. Perhaps a little too much. "He was very respectful — I don't want to project my feelings onto you, because I don't know how you feel in your body. But in that space I sometimes felt very alone. Because it was something I had to work through myself, ideally with him, but ultimately on my own."

"Postpartum is the biggest mismatch a couple can face. And nobody tells you that beforehand."

Photo: Coco & Pepijn

Hormones: 'A Male Cycle Lasts 24 Hours'

As a pre- and postnatal training specialist, Coco can explain the physical side of things better than most. And she does so without softening anything. "I saw someone say: a male cycle lasts 24 hours. Ours lasts 28 to 35 days. They cannot even begin to understand what that feels like."

She breastfed until her youngest was a year old. Then the body still needs to wind down. "Those hormones are in your system for at least another three to four months. So you're already a year and a half in. And then it takes another five or six months before your body truly feels like yours again." Two years, in total.

Relaxin — the hormone that keeps everything loose during pregnancy and breastfeeding — also meant that training felt different from what she was used to. "I had no stability in my core, no stability in my knees. I twisted my ankle more easily." It took a year and a half before she could properly rebuild her training routine.

The impact on her libido? "A hundred thousand percent. While breastfeeding I had this feeling: these breasts have one function. Functional. Nothing playful. Don't even try." She laughs, but she means it. "That is something so many mothers recognise. At that point there is only one purpose, and that purpose isn't intimacy."

Date Night as a Ritual

What helped to find the connection again? Coco barely has to think about it. "Date nights. We did them consistently, from the moment we could. After forty days of bed rest — I was fully on bed rest — we went out for dinner together. First glass of champagne together again. And then every month after that. As something fixed."

That regularity and intention made the difference. "You have to find each other again. That does not happen in a week. It does not happen in two months either. You have to grow into it. Children grow. Situations change. And you get better at navigating each other."

During the babymoon to Japan — when she was pregnant with their third child — Coco's father said something that stayed with her. "He said: I am so proud of you two for doing this. I think if I had invested more in us, things might have gone more smoothly. We were only focused on the children. We lost each other." His parents divorced when Coco was ten. "He said: ten years later and you're sitting next to a stranger. My thinking is: I have to do life with Pepijn forever. I can't lose him."

"You can give everything to your children. But if you lose your partner in the process, ten years later you are strangers to each other."

Photo: Coco

Small Gestures, Real Impact

Big trips are beautiful. But what about the small things? The answer Coco gives is more concrete than expected. "Moisturising. Postpartum I had a moisturising ritual — belly, hips, the parts of the body that are different after birth. And I started involving Pepijn in that. Letting him do it too. Like: feel, this is how it feels now."

It sounds simple. And it worked. "You are already constantly engaged with that body. By involving your partner, you do it together. There is a kind of acceptance in it, of yourself and of him. And that builds something."

And then there are the care tasks. "When he cooks, does the shopping, takes the kids out so I have a moment to breathe, my heart does a little jump. Because he gets it." That caring presence is, for Coco, the most direct route to intimacy. Big romantic gestures are beside the point. He just sees it.

Photo: Coco in Japan

The Support Network as a Foundation

There is something else Coco consciously cherishes: her network. She comes from an Asian-Surinamese family, large, close-knit, mostly living in Amsterdam. "Within ten minutes someone would be at my door if I needed it. That is wealth to me." She knows friends for whom a date night requires half a day of logistics, with family travelling from the other end of the country. "You walk into an evening already carrying so much. Then it has to be fun. That does not exactly help."

Collectivism, the idea that raising children is always a shared effort, runs deep in Coco. "I genuinely do not think I would have had four children without that network." And it is also part of what keeps her and Pepijn together. "We are a good team. You do not start out that way, you grow into it."

Intimacy Is Bigger than Sex

Towards the end of the conversation, Coco says something that lingers. "Intimacy is much bigger than sex. It is caring. It is being present. It is knowing: we are doing this together."

The Oh Collective exists for women who take intimacy seriously — even when life is full, even postpartum, even when things do not flow as naturally as before. Whether that means planning a date night, creating a ritual, or simply buying something good to enjoy together: small gestures count.

Browse the Date Night collection by The Oh Collective — made for exactly those moments.

Coco's Favourite Date Night Spots in Amsterdam

We also asked her: where do you actually go? Four addresses she keeps coming back to.

Pizza and a film at @lab_111 — an independent cult cinema in Amsterdam-West with sourdough pizza. Laid-back, no fuss.
Cocktails and a bite at @wilhelminacafe.ams — a neighbourhood café in the Helmersbuurt that feels like being at someone's house. Perfect for when you want to stay close to home.
Museum, lunch and wine at @caferestaurantsandberg — on Museumplein, from the team behind Entrepot and Metro. From morning coffee to evening dinner, they handle it all well.
Dinner and wine at @kamer.bar — a bar and kitchen built around natural wines and a menu that changes regularly. Small, personal, worth every visit.

Frequently Asked Questions about Postpartum Intimacy

How long does it take for your libido to return after giving birth?
If you are breastfeeding, count on at least a year and a half to two years before your body truly feels like yours again. Hormones continue to work for months after stopping breastfeeding. That is physiology, not failure.

What helps with intimacy postpartum?
Coco mentions regular date nights — small ones count, at home counts — involving your partner in body acceptance, and a support network that creates space for the two of you. Small efforts add up. It is ultimately about consistency.

Is it normal not to recognise your body after giving birth?
Coco describes it as "the shell of someone else." The body has been functioning as a carrier for nine months. Finding your way back to your own feeling takes time — and asks for gentleness, not pressure.

How do you keep your relationship strong after having children?
Coco's biggest advice: make date night a ritual, not a special occasion. Every month, consistently, even when it is small. "You have to keep investing in each other. Children grow up — your relationship needs to grow too."

About Coco Sabajo-Lanen

Coco Sabajo-Lanen is a personal trainer and coach at Vondelgym Amsterdam, specialising in pre- and postnatal fitness. She is a mother of four and has been with Pepijn Lanen for seventeen years. Follow her at @cocosabajo.