If you're married and feeling like there's a lack of 'oomph' with your sex life lately, you might be wondering what's considered "normal." We get it, many of us have been there and we reminisce about the times when things were "hotter" and "sexier". When couples first get together, it's normal to have higher frequencies of sex from excitement, mysteriousness, and novelty. Over time, that novelty can fade away and people return to their normal libidos.
Here's what we've gathered about how often married couples typically get intimate, based on research and expert opinions.
Please keep in mind that libido varies from person to person. For some, it's having sex every single day, while for others, they're happy with once every month or less. Naturally, our libido also fluctuates throughout the day and during our menstrual cycles. It is also influenced by stress, sleep, diet, medications, and more.
Average Frequency of Sex Among Married Couples
The 2018 General Social Survey looked into this and found that among about 660 married individuals: (We got the below stats from WebMD)
- 25% were having sex once a week
- 16% were getting intimate two to three times a week
- 5% were really active, doing it four or more times a week
- 17% were having sex once a month
- 19% were getting busy two to three times a month
- 10% hadn't had sex in the past year
- 7% had sex just once or twice in the past year
Other studies have shown similar trends. For instance, a big study in 2019 with 35,000 British adults found that almost half of people in serious relationships weren't getting intimate even once a week.
An interesting fact shared by WebMD in a study with 30,000 people was that people who have more sex every week are not happier than those who have less of it. So, hopefully that gives you a peace of mind.
Frequency of sex among married couples by age
Exploring the variation in sexual activity across different life stages and ages can provide intriguing insights. The frequency of sexual activity tends to correlate with age.
According to research by the Kinsey Institute:
- American adults aged 18-29 engage in sexual intercourse approximately 112 times annually.
- Couples in the 30-39 age range average around 86 sexual encounters per year.
- Over 28% of individuals aged 45 report engaging in sexual activity once a week.
Biologically, men experience peak testosterone levels in their twenties, resulting in heightened libido and sexual drive. However, as testosterone levels decline over time, typically by about 10% in one's thirties, there is a subsequent decrease in libido, with sexual drive diminishing by approximately 1% annually until reaching one's forties.
As for women, we experience our peak in sexual desire in our thirties which is often when there are complexities in a couple's sexual dynamics. While men entering their forties may begin to encounter challenges due to erectile dysfunction.
As men progress into their fifties, sixties, and more, sexual activities tend to diminish a bit more. However, on the bright side, it is done through research that people in older ages view sex as a source of happiness and tend to focus more on pleasure.
If there is a libido gap between you and your partner
There's a term to describe this. It is called sexual discrepancy. Sexual discrepancy, also known as sexual disparity or sexual dissonance, refers to a situation in which there is a notable difference or misalignment between the sexual desires, preferences, or behaviors of partners within a relationship. This misalignment may manifest in various ways, such as differences in libido (sexual desire), frequency of sexual activity, preferred sexual activities, or overall satisfaction with the sexual aspect of the relationship.
Here are some steps to address the sexual imbalance:
Open Communication : Initiate an honest and respectful conversation with your partner about your sexual needs, desires, and concerns. Create a safe space where both of you feel comfortable expressing yourselves without fear of judgment.
Listen Actively : Pay attention to your partner's perspective and feelings regarding the sexual aspect of your relationship. Validate their experiences and show empathy towards their concerns.
Identify Root Causes : Explore the underlying factors contributing to the sexual discrepancy. These may include stress, fatigue, medical issues, psychological factors, past traumas, relationship dynamics, or differences in sexual preferences.
Compromise and Negotiate : Work together to find mutually satisfying solutions. This may involve compromising on frequency, trying new activities, or finding alternative ways to express intimacy and connection.
Seek Professional Help : If the sexual imbalance persists or causes significant distress, consider seeking guidance from a therapist, counselor, or sexologist specialized in relationship and sexual issues. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, strategies, and support tailored to your specific situation.
Educate Yourself : Take the initiative to learn more about human sexuality, intimacy, and communication. Understanding each other's needs and preferences can facilitate constructive dialogue and enhance sexual satisfaction.
Cultivate Emotional Connection : Strengthen the emotional bond between you and your partner outside of the bedroom. Engage in activities that promote emotional intimacy, such as spending quality time together, expressing appreciation, and actively listening to each other.
Explore Sensate Focus Exercises : Sensate focus exercises involve non-sexual touching and sensual exploration aimed at enhancing intimacy and reducing performance pressure. These exercises can help couples reconnect on a physical and emotional level.
Be Patient and Persistent : Resolving sexual imbalance takes time, effort, and patience. Be willing to work through challenges together and remain committed to improving your sexual relationship.
Celebrate Progress : Acknowledge and celebrate small victories along the way. Recognize and appreciate any positive changes or improvements in your sexual connection, no matter how small they may seem.
Remember that every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution to sexual issues. It is a difficult and sensitive topic for anyone to bring up and it is also essential to approach the process with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to collaborate toward shared goals. For many couples, coming together to be vulnerable with one another is a great way to get closer, deeper, and better connected.
If you've tried everything with your partner and nothing seems to work, it will be worth seeing a sex therapist. You can always leave a message at hi@theohcollective and we will direct you to the right sources for support.