I have a story that I think a lot of people can relate to. I was in a relationship that left me feeling increasingly insecure, like I was always competing for my partner’s attention and never quite measuring up. I’d try to bring it up, hoping he’d understand or maybe just be a little more present, but every time, it backfired. Instead of validation or comfort, I was told I was overreacting or being “crazy.” That word—crazy—started to echo in my mind, filling me with self-doubt. But somewhere deep down, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
One night, when I couldn’t ignore it any longer, I did something I’d never done before—I looked through his phone. I knew it was a breach of privacy, and yet, in that moment, I felt like it was the only way to put my doubts to rest. But instead of finding reassurance, I found exactly what I’d feared. My heart sank as I read the messages, each one feeling like a fresh wound. The pain was instant and all-consuming, tangled with betrayal, guilt, and shame. All I could think was, Can we ever recover from this?
In a world where relationships come in many forms, infidelity isn’t always black and white. Open relationships, polyamory, and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are increasingly recognized. For many, however, infidelity breaks a sacred bond. But healing is possible for those who seek it, even after deep betrayal. Here, we’ll explore why infidelity happens, what research says about recovery, and how couples can take actionable steps toward rebuilding trust.
What Counts as Infidelity?
While infidelity is often defined as any form of unfaithfulness, people interpret it differently depending on their values and relationship agreements. For some, an affair is strictly physical. For others, an emotional attachment may feel like a more profound betrayal. In open or polyamorous relationships, infidelity typically means a breach of agreed-upon boundaries rather than any interaction outside the partnership.
Whether a relationship is monogamous or open, the experience of betrayal is universally painful when boundaries are broken without consent. This article focuses on infidelity as it is most commonly understood—a breach of trust in an exclusive relationship or a disregard of boundaries in an open one. Regardless of the relationship type, the emotional toll of betrayal is real, and it can be challenging to recover from without understanding, support, and intentional steps toward healing.
Why Do People Cheat? Key Insights from Research
Esther Perel once said, "Affairs are about a search for life, for vitality, for connection, for an identity, for a new self."
Infidelity is a complex, multi-faceted issue that has puzzled psychologists, therapists, and couples alike. Studies have found that infidelity is often driven by emotional or situational factors rather than pure physical attraction. Here are some of the most common reasons, according to Psychology Today:
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Revenge or Resentment: Some cheat out of frustration or anger, often as retaliation for perceived or real wrongs.
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Unmet Sexual Needs: A desire for more fulfilling or adventurous sex, or confusion about one’s sexual identity, can lead some to seek new experiences.
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Emotional Disconnection: Uncertainty or loss of love for a partner sometimes leads to seeking connection elsewhere.
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Feeling Neglected: Lack of attention or feeling overlooked in a relationship can drive some toward infidelity.
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Low Commitment: Ambiguity in commitment or differing expectations can contribute to cheating behavior.
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Situational Temptations: Opportunities like travel or social events may lower inhibitions.
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Self-Worth Issues: Some cheat to boost self-esteem or affirm attractiveness.
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Desire for Novelty: Wanting varied experiences or new partners can sometimes overpower commitment.
Research also suggests that 60-75% couples remained together after infidelity. The reasons for sticking together were not always because of love but of uncertainty. However, some couples reported coming back together stronger, more connected bond after working through the healing process.
Acknowledging and Validating the Pain
Infidelity leaves lasting emotional scars, and the first step in healing is acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions that comes with it. For the betrayed partner, these feelings can range from deep sadness and anger to a lingering sense of betrayal. It’s essential to validate these feelings as a natural response to being hurt. The pain isn’t something to “just get over”; it’s an important part of the process that both partners must acknowledge.
For many, it’s easy to rush into solutions or focus solely on repairing the relationship, but the healing process must include space for the betrayed partner’s pain. Acknowledging this pain, and allowing both partners to sit with these emotions, creates a foundation for genuine healing.
Steps Toward Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
Recovering from infidelity requires consistent, intentional actions from both partners. Here are some tangible steps for rebuilding trust:
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Give Space to Process and Express Feelings
Begin by allowing both partners the space to express their feelings. The betrayed partner needs room to voice their hurt, and the unfaithful partner must be open to listening without defensiveness. This honesty can start the journey toward understanding each other’s emotions. -
Establish Boundaries and Transparency
For the betrayed partner to feel safe, the couple should set boundaries around contact with the person involved in the affair, if applicable, as well as establish transparency in their interactions. Open access to phones or shared accounts might provide a sense of security and help re-establish trust. -
Practice Accountability Without Defensiveness
The unfaithful partner should take full responsibility without making excuses. Acknowledging the harm done without shifting blame shows genuine remorse and respect for the betrayed partner’s feelings. This doesn’t mean glossing over reasons for the betrayal but acknowledging that the pain is real and must be honored. -
Work on Building Trust through Small Actions
Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. It requires consistent actions over time—regular check-ins, small acts of honesty, and patience with each other’s emotional ups and downs. Each small moment of openness and respect strengthens the foundation of trust. -
Seek Professional Help Together
Therapy provides couples a neutral space to address their pain, work through emotional issues, and gain tools for healthier communication. A 2016 study by The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that therapy significantly improves the likelihood of successful recovery from infidelity, making it a valuable step for many couples seeking to heal.
How to Support a Partner or Friend Experiencing Infidelity
If someone close to you is going through the aftermath of infidelity, offering nonjudgmental support can make a meaningful difference. Here’s how you can help:
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Be a Compassionate Listener: Let them express their feelings without rushing to provide solutions. Your willingness to simply be there can be immensely comforting.
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Suggest Professional Help Gently: Therapy can be invaluable for individuals processing betrayal, even if they aren’t ready for couples therapy. Encourage them to consider counseling for additional support.
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Honor Their Choices and Boundaries: Healing from infidelity looks different for everyone. Support their decision to stay, leave, or take time without adding pressure or personal opinions.
The Journey Toward Healing
Infidelity marks a painful chapter in a relationship, but it doesn’t always spell the end. For couples who choose to face the challenge, healing can be a path to a stronger, more transparent relationship. The process of rebuilding trust takes honesty, patience, and vulnerability from both partners. As hard as the journey may be, many couples who have faced infidelity discover a renewed connection grounded in understanding and genuine communication.
If you’re going through infidelity or supporting someone who is, know that your feelings are valid, your pain is real, and your journey toward healing—whether together or apart—deserves patience and compassion. Healing may be slow, but with time, respect, and professional guidance, it is possible to rebuild, reimagine, and, ultimately, recover.