Coco Sabajo: 'Postpartum Is the Biggest Mismatch a Couple Can Face'

 

Coco Sabajo-Lanen, personal trainer, coach at Vondelgym Amsterdam and mother of four.

Coco Sabajo-Lanen is a personal trainer at Vondelgym, specialising in pre and postnatal fitness, and mother of four. She has been with Pepijn Lanen for seventeen years. We spoke to her about something many women quietly carry after having a baby: what happens to your body, your desire and your relationship once you become parents.

'At 24, I Took It All for Granted'

Coco became a mother for the first time at twenty four. She and Pepijn had already been together for six years, it felt like a natural next step, and her body recovered quickly. Maybe too quickly to fully process what had happened. “I was far less aware of it all,” she says. “The wonder of carrying a baby, how powerful a pregnant body actually is, I barely understood it back then.”

By her last pregnancy, everything felt different. “I looked at my body with much more admiration. This body carries, feeds and heals. That feeling changes with age.” Four pregnancies in twelve years. Altogether, she spent almost eight years pregnant. “It made me softer. Towards myself, but also towards other women.”

Postpartum: 'My Body No Longer Felt Like Mine'

Then the conversation we really wanted to have. What happens to intimacy after having a baby, with yourself and with your partner?

Coco answers immediately. “Postpartum intimacy was the part I underestimated most. You only understand how big that shift feels once you are living inside it.”

In the first months after giving birth, her body felt unfamiliar. “It was my body, but at the same time it wasn’t. It still felt fully in service mode. Carrying. Feeding. Recovering.” That distance also affected the connection with Pepijn. “I kept thinking: I’m less attractive now. Even though he never saw me that way.”

Pepijn gave her space. Sometimes too much space. “He didn’t want to push his feelings onto me. But because of that, I also felt alone in what I was going through. It was something I had to move through myself, ideally together with him, but also internally.”

“Postpartum is the biggest mismatch a couple can face.”

Photo: Coco & Pepijn

Hormones: 'A Male Cycle Lasts 24 Hours'

As a pre and postnatal specialist, Coco understands the physical side of recovery deeply. “I once heard someone say: a male cycle lasts 24 hours. Ours lasts 28 to 35 days. You cannot even begin to compare the experience.”

She breastfed until her youngest turned one. Afterwards, the body still needed months to settle again. “Those hormones stay in your system for another three or four months. By then you are already a year and a half in. Then it still takes another five or six months before your body truly feels like your own again.”

Training also felt different. Relaxin, the hormone that keeps the body looser during pregnancy and breastfeeding, affected her stability. “My core felt weaker. My knees too. I twisted my ankle more easily.” It took her about a year and a half before training felt stable again.

The impact on libido? “A hundred thousand percent. While breastfeeding, my breasts felt functional. Nothing playful. Don’t even try.” She laughs while saying it, but means every word. “A lot of mothers recognise that feeling. Your body has a job during that phase, and that job is feeding.”

Date Night as a Ritual

What helped them reconnect? Coco immediately says date nights. From the moment it felt possible again, they made space for them. After forty days of bed rest, they went out for dinner together. A glass of champagne. Sitting together again outside the house. Afterwards, it became a monthly ritual.

That consistency changed things. “You have to find each other again. That takes time. Children grow, situations shift, and you slowly become better at moving through those phases together.”

During a babymoon to Japan, while pregnant with their third child, Coco’s father said something that stayed with her. “He told us: I’m proud of you for doing this. I think things might have gone differently if I had invested more in us. We focused entirely on the children. We lost each other.” His parents divorced when she was ten. “He said: ten years later you are sitting next to a stranger. That stayed with me.”

“You can give everything to your children. But if you lose your partner in the process, years later you end up beside someone you no longer recognise.”

Photo: Coco

Small Gestures, Real Impact

Big trips are beautiful, but for Coco the biggest shifts often came from smaller moments. “Moisturising. Postpartum I had this ritual where I would moisturise my belly, hips and the parts of my body that had changed. Later I started involving Pepijn in it too. I would say: feel this, this is how my body feels now.”

It sounds simple, but it changed something. When your body already occupies your mind all day, involving your partner in that process creates connection. Acceptance too.

And then there were the care tasks. “When he cooks, does the shopping or takes the kids out so I can breathe for a second, I immediately feel connected. Because he sees what is needed.” For Coco, that caring presence is one of the clearest paths back to intimacy.

Photo: Coco in Japan

The Support Network as a Foundation

There is something else Coco deeply values: her network. She comes from a large Asian Surinamese family, close knit and mostly based in Amsterdam. “Within ten minutes someone would be at my door if I needed help. That feels like wealth to me.”

She also knows friends for whom a date night requires half a day of logistics, with family travelling from the other side of the country. By the time the evening starts, there is already pressure attached to it. For Coco, collectivism matters deeply. Raising children is something you do together, surrounded by people.

“I honestly don’t think I would have had four children without that network.” It is also part of what keeps her and Pepijn strong together. “We are a good team. You grow into that over time.”

Intimacy Is Bigger than Sex

Towards the end of the conversation, Coco says something that lingers. “Intimacy is much bigger than sex. It is caring. Being present. Knowing: we are doing this together.”

That is also where The Oh Collective fits in. For women who want to make space for intimacy, sensuality and connection, even during busy seasons of life, even postpartum, even when desire feels different than before.

Coco's Favourite Date Night Spots in Amsterdam

We also asked her where she and Pepijn actually go. These are four places they keep returning to.

• Pizza and a film at @lab_111. An independent cult cinema in Amsterdam West with sourdough pizza. Relaxed and low key.
• Cocktails and bites at @wilhelminacafe.ams. A neighbourhood café in the Helmersbuurt that feels like sitting in someone’s living room.
• Museum, lunch and wine at @caferestaurantsandberg. Located on Museumplein, from the team behind Entrepot and Metro. Great from morning coffee through to dinner.
• Dinner and wine at @kamer.bar. A small restaurant and wine bar centred around natural wines and a menu that changes often.

Frequently Asked Questions About Postpartum Intimacy

How long does it take for libido to return after giving birth?
If you are breastfeeding, it can take around one and a half to two years before your body fully feels like your own again. Hormones continue working long after breastfeeding ends.

What helps with intimacy postpartum?
Coco mentions regular date nights, involving your partner in body acceptance and having a support system that creates space for you as a couple again.

Is it normal to feel disconnected from your body after birth?
Yes. Coco describes the feeling as living inside a body still focused on carrying, feeding and recovering. Reconnecting with yourself takes time.

How do you keep your relationship strong after children?
Coco’s biggest advice is to make date night part of your rhythm together. “You have to keep investing in each other. Children grow up, your relationship grows too.”

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About Coco Sabajo-Lanen

Coco Sabajo-Lanen is a personal trainer and coach at Vondelgym Amsterdam, specialising in pre and postnatal fitness. She is a mother of four and has been together with Pepijn Lanen for seventeen years. Follow her via @cocosabajo.

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Date night chocolate Sex bonbons Chocolate + play cards Intimacy & wellness Postpartum intimacy Female wellness