Research & Intimacy · The Oh Collective

Choreographing Intimacy

In Collaboration with Drs. Sofie Klomp

Rituals are techniques for becoming at home in something. In this case, that "something" is a shared experience of intimacy. Before stepping into the five date nights, I want to pause and consider what intimacy actually is, and what it asks of us.

Bodies shape how we relate to others through touch, gaze, proximity, gesture, voice. This is how we connect. The relation between the space and the body is central to intimacy.

This short essay is intended as a window into the small worlds built by five couples and their five individually choreographed date nights — with Date Night Bonbons as their shared foundation.

A window into the worlds that were built

Interview 1 — A shared blanket

A born and raised in Dubai, mid-thirties heterosexual married couple. With no grandparents to babysit in the Netherlands, they had to build their date around these limitations — waiting for their toddler to fall asleep before they began.

Together they stepped into the date night with the shared exhaustion of first-time parents, exacerbated by the political tension back home. Working with food for a living, they were most excited about trying the chocolates together. She described tasting notes of ginseng and maca, along with the milk chocolate shell.

It struck me as disconnected at first when I heard they sat on opposite ends of the sofa during the truth or dare game, both choosing the comfort of a backrest. On the surface, sitting apart during an intimate game was not quite as romantic as I had pictured.

But when I asked further, the key detail emerged: their blanket was big enough for both of them.

Sharing a blanket means sharing the warmth underneath. It means feeling each other's feet. If one person shifts, the other feels the tug. However far apart they sat, they were still connected through the architecture of their space.

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Interview 2 — Making a whole day of it

A Dutch mid-twenties heterosexual student couple made a whole day out of it, knowing the date night was waiting for them at the end. They wandered through shops together, stopped at the market for fresh fish, and decided on sushi — an intentional choice, born from the reality of roommates and a tiny student room. They wanted a meal they could assemble quietly, privately, without worrying about heat or mess.

They set the room the way they wanted it to feel: red, orange, and pink lights glowing softly, with a special flickering campfire effect. They ate on the single bed, a laptop stand between them acting as a makeshift table, a glass of wine each, a truth-or-dare deck guiding the conversation.

And then something small but new happened. The photos that usually slipped by unnoticed on the TV's standby mode became something they actually sat and watched together for the first time. Between the questions and the simple act of being fully present, they found themselves reminiscing about the time they were housemates in a crowded student home.

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Interview 3 — Including the usual routine

The third interview was with a mid-twenties Dutch American bisexual woman and a late-twenties straight cis man from Afghanistan, who took a semi-spontaneous approach — carrying the bonbons with them in case the opportunity presented itself.

They ended up doing the date night after a slightly wobbly day — hangry and feeling a bit off — but turning it around by baking together. After eating, they consciously took the Bonbons as a signal to give themselves permission to destress together.

In contrast to the other couples, who played the game after taking the bonbons and then went to their bedroom, this couple watched reality TV while waiting 30 minutes. They adapted the strategy to what they actually needed: including their usual routine to put them at ease, before moving to the bedroom for the truth or dare game. Even though they'd been together a while, the prompts still surfaced things they hadn't known about each other.

It subverted my expectations of what being "in the moment" must look like. I think it can include watching a reality series for a bit, as long as it's a conscious choice with a clear end point so the evening doesn't slip into thoughtless consumption.

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Interview 5 — An internal journey, taken together

A mid-to-late twenties queer interracial Dutch couple realised while reflecting on their date night in the interview that they, unbeknownst to them, had similar inside experiences they hadn't vocalized out loud.

After the Date Night Bonbons, they discussed the truth or dare cards while sitting in their living room. Prompted by the dare cards, they sat in their underwear on the sofa under a blanket — a tableau that resembled the early days of their courtship, mentally transporting them back to the moment of their very first hang out.

Though it all happened internally and probably not simultaneously, they wandered off to the same place and time. An experience existing not only in the present but encapsulated in their archive of memories — expanding rather than diverting from their shared world.

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Interview 4 — The honeymoon couple

A Polish woman in her mid-thirties and a Dutch man in his late twenties described themselves as "still in the honeymoon phase like rabbits," having not been together for long. Unlike the first three couples, who all preferred the truth cards, this couple gravitated toward the dares — enjoying the excitement of prompts to try together.

What stood out most was that they had enjoyed the experience so much the first time that they wanted to recreate it. The male partner felt some pressure — possibly because he was subconsciously aware of the upcoming interview, or because of expectations to replicate their previous experience. After enjoying the bonbons and the dare cards, they decided to leave it there and continue another time.

Even though their focus was on physical intimacy, what emerges is their communication and emotional connection. Wanting to recreate a great experience, noticing it was not unfolding in the same way, and adjusting together — that still builds a shared narrative that creates intimacy in multiple forms at once.

My takeaway

As I stepped back from the five interviews, a final thread began to surface — something less about individual stories and more about the conditions that made those stories possible.

Atmospheres are affective fields. They are created through spatial rhythm, thresholds, transitions, temperature, sound, light, and materiality. In the context of intimacy, this can mean that the dimness of a bedroom creates a cocoon-like effect. Good sound insulation creates a feeling of privacy. An atmosphere becomes not just an aesthetic choice but a relational condition.

The way a room is set up can literally and figuratively slow us down. A quiet space can make room for emotional openness. Warm lighting softens facial expressions. These small cues shape how people tune in to one another.

In these five interviews, I hope I was able to show how intimacy emerges when bodies are held within the same atmospheric field, and how space and sensation quietly support the creation of intimacy.