As I put on my light blue lingerie, I looked at myself in the mirror, feeling naked, vulnerable, yet armoured with a new story of me. The "me" that I build up and fantasize about.
At that moment, I wasn't me, I played into my fantasy mentally and physically of a seductress - seducing my boyfriend's friend. However, the person who played into the role of "my boyfriend's friend also happened to be my husband.
So, is it normal to fantasize about other people in a relationship? Short answer: Yes. Longer answer? Let’s dig into the nuance.
Fantasizing about other people (or fantastical scenarios) while in a relationship is a lot more common (and a lot less scandalous) than most people think. Whether it’s a fleeting thought about an attractive stranger or a recurring daydream, these mental wanderings don’t necessarily spell trouble. In fact, they might even be healthy.
Why We Need to Talk About Fantasies
Let’s face it: most of us didn’t grow up with a roadmap for talking about sexual fantasies. They were taboo, secret, and not dinner-table conversation. But that silence creates confusion and shame. Understanding what fantasies are (and aren’t) can set you and your partner free to connect more deeply.
What Is a Sexual Fantasy, Really?
Mental Playgrounds, Not Blueprints
Fantasies are imaginative play. They’re not to-do lists. You can fantasize about a pirate kidnapping and ravishing you without ever wanting that in real life. It’s the difference between watching a thriller and wanting to be chased by a serial killer.
Fantasies vs. Intentions
Just because your brain dreams it up doesn’t mean your heart wants it to happen. Fantasies often tap into themes of power, freedom, surrender, or validation.
The Science Behind Fantasizing
How the Brain Processes Fantasy
The brain doesn’t always distinguish between real and imagined stimuli when it comes to arousal. That’s why fantasies can feel intense, even if they’re purely mental.
Hormones, Dopamine & Desire
Fantasy boosts dopamine—the pleasure chemical—and that increases arousal. It’s your brain giving you a low-risk, high-reward thrill.
Why Fantasies About Others Are Common in Relationships
Novelty & the Brain
Humans crave novelty. Long-term monogamy doesn’t cancel out curiosity. In fact, our brains are wired to respond to newness.
Fantasy as a Window to the Self
This is an important one. Often, we fantasize not about someone else instead of our partner, but about a different version of ourselves. A freer, wilder, less responsible version.
Emotional Needs Expressed Sexually
Sometimes, what turns us on in fantasy is what we’re craving emotionally: to be worshipped, taken, freed, or seen.
Is Fantasizing the Same as Cheating?
The Difference Between Thought and Action
Nope. Thinking about someone else isn’t the same as acting on it. If it were, every person with a crush on Pedro Pascal would be in trouble. However, it is important to distinguish what is fantasy, and what you want "in real life."
The Role of Boundaries and Trust
What matters is mutual understanding. If your partner feels betrayed by your thoughts, that’s worth exploring. But it doesn’t automatically mean you’ve crossed a line.
When to Talk About Fantasies With Your Partner
Signs It’s Time to Share
If you’re feeling emotionally distant, disconnected sexually, or curious to bring new energy into the bedroom, talking about fantasies can be the spark you need.
How to Start the Conversation in Fantasy
Try: “I heard something interesting today about fantasies. Want to swap some?” Make it playful, not pressured.
How to Use Fantasy to Enhance Your Sex Life
Shared Fantasies as Erotic Fuel
Talking about fantasies can create deeper intimacy. It’s a way of saying: “Here’s who I am, sexually.” Using fantasies as a starter for role play. Not everyone is comfortable speaking about their fantasies, so it's important to create a safe space without judgement. And you can always start first with, "I've had this fantasy before... it's a thought that turns me on but it doesn't mean I truly want it in real life. But in the safe space of our bedroom, I'd like to share it with you and have you embrace me in my fantasy."
Start with questions such as:
- "What are some fantasies you had in the past?" -
- "Have you ever had fantasies that surprised you?"
Check out our article on "How roleplay can teach you about yourself and your relationship."
Creating a Safe Space for Exploration
You don’t have to do every fantasy. Just sharing them can be arousing. Agree on boundaries and check in before acting anything out. There are many ways fantasies can be played out in the bedroom: narrated or acted. You can try dirty talk as a way to lead into fantasy role-play. Check out more about dirty talk here.
Tips to Handle Fantasy Guilt
Normalize the Thought, Not the Shame
You’re not weird. You’re not disloyal. You’re human. Thought policing doesn’t help—but curiosity does. Here's a podcast we did with Reed Amber on fetishes vs. kink, foot fetishes, and personality disorders.
Reframe Fantasy as Creative Expression
Think of fantasies like dreams. They help your brain explore possibilities and process emotions.
What If You or Your Partner Feel Threatened by Fantasy?
Emotional Check-Ins & Reassurance
Use the conversation as an opportunity to reinforce your connection. Remind each other: I choose you.
Building Security Through Communication
Insecure? Jealous? Totally normal. That’s where communication and consistency become your anchors.
How Vibrators Can Support Fantasy Play
Couple's Vibrators for Shared Fantasies
Products like the Dream Team Couple’s Set are perfect for bringing fantasies to life, together. Power dynamics, pleasure control, or shared stimulation? All fair game.
Solo Toys to Get to Know Your Own Desires
Understanding your fantasies starts with solo play. Use a clitoral stimulator like the Chi Air Suction Vibrator to explore what lights you up.
Recommended Tools for Curious Couples
Truth or Dare Kinky Cards
Prompt curiosity and surprise in a safe way with play cards. It’s fantasy foreplay you can actually talk through. Shop here.
Dream Team Couple’s Set
4 versatile toys, playful, and perfect for testing different roles and sensations together. Shop here.
Date Night Chocolate & Rub Me Tender Candle
Sensual rituals that warm you up and bring your bodies back into playful, connected energy. Date Night Chocolates are made with 100% natural ingredients that can help boost excitement and libido. Shop here.
Fantasies Are Normal — and Useful
You’re allowed to have an imagination. Fantasies don’t mean you love your partner any less. They can actually help you love and desire each other more.
So next time your mind wanders, don’t panic. Get curious. Share it, if it feels safe. And maybe even use it as fuel for the kind of intimacy that grows.