You love each other. You laugh together, support each other, maybe even finish each other’s sentences. So why aren’t you having sex?
This question plagues more couples than you’d think—and it has nothing to do with being broken. In fact, it’s incredibly common, especially in long-term relationships. But when silence replaces seduction, curiosity is your way back in.
As Esther Perel puts it: “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” Let’s bust the myth that love = sex, and instead explore why desire drifts—and how to bring it home.
Love and Lust Are Not the Same
Loving your partner deeply doesn’t automatically mean you’re burning with desire for them. And that’s okay. Love is safe, familiar, steady. Lust? It thrives on mystery, tension, and the unknown.
According to Perel: “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.”
Think of love as a warm hug, and lust as a spark. Both are essential, but they run on different fuel. That’s why “we never fight” couples can still feel disconnected in the bedroom—it’s not about lack of love, but lack of erotic charge.
Modern Life Is a Libido Killjoy
Overpacked calendars, doom-scrolling in bed, and work stress that follows you home. Add kids, bills, and mental load? It’s no surprise sex takes a backseat.
Throughout our lives, desire can fluctuate, and it's crucial to let it evolve alongside the stage of life you're in. But it's time to pay attention when there's a mismatch between what you desire and what you wish you desired. Desire requires space to breathe. If your brain is juggling 27 tabs, it can’t switch into “let’s get it on” mode. If you're craving to have your libido back, start with rest, boundaries, and maybe turning off notifications past 9pm.
The Gottman Institute emphasizes stress as one of the leading inhibitors of intimacy. When cortisol is high, libido is low.
The Myth of Spontaneity
Hollywood lied. Most couples aren’t ripping each other’s clothes off. Waiting for “the mood” often leads to disappointment. Or when people expect their 'drive' to magically appear with a magic pill.
Instead, what if it's planned? Scheduled time for one another and sex isn’t robotic—it’s intentional. When you know a sensual night is coming, anticipation builds. Think of it as preheating the oven. Hot things take prep.
Mismatched Libido Isn’t a Death Sentence
First, what is libido? It’s your internal “hunger” for sex—and like appetite, it varies wildly. One of you might crave daily connection, the other monthly.
This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means your bodies are talking differently. With compassion and curiosity (plus some tools), you can meet in the middle.
According to Dr. John Gottman, understanding your partner’s inner world is one of the “Masters of Love” traits. That includes their sexual rhythm.
Parenting, Fatigue, and the Vanishing Sex Life
Parenthood changes everything. Your body. Your priorities. Your sleep. Suddenly, desire feels like one more task on an overflowing list.
But your sex life isn’t gone—it’s just evolving. For parents, time becomes a privilege, and it’s important to be kind to yourself during those early child-rearing years. A dip in sex drive is completely normal. Many parents we spoke to said the first year is all about surviving and adjusting to a brand-new life. By the second year, the little one starts moving—and so does the chaos. But by the fourth or fifth year, there’s often a slow return to feeling like yourself again.
For parents who have young children and craves desire and intimacy with one another? Start with skin-to-skin touch. Non-sexual intimacy. Reclaim naps and solo showers. And don’t underestimate the power of a babysitter + a massage candle (Rub Me Tender Massage Oil Candle) + 45 minutes alone.
Emotional Safety vs. Erotic Risk
Here’s the paradox: the person who makes you feel safest often doesn’t excite your inner kinkster. That’s because eroticism thrives on risk, not routine.
Introduce playful tension. Try new settings. Roleplay. Send a spicy text in the afternoon. Curiosity is the bridge between comfort and turn-on.
“Eroticism is not about what you do, but the space you create that allows you to step out of the predictable.” – Esther Perel
The Silent Erosion: Resentment and Routine
If you’re not having sex, chances are you’re also not talking about the real stuff. The snide comments. The unspoken needs. The invisible mental load.
Desire doesn’t thrive in resentment. It thrives in repair. Start small: “Can I tell you something I’ve been holding in?” That honesty is sexy.
Communication is Foreplay
Want hotter sex? Talk more. Share fantasies. Laugh about awkward moments. Ask, “What would feel amazing to you tonight?”
The Gottman Institute calls it "turning toward instead of away." Even micro-moments of emotional connection increase physical intimacy.
Connection happens long before clothes come off. Words can turn someone on faster than a vibrator—if they’re the right ones. If you want some ideas to kick-start the foreplay? Try Date Night Chocolates or Kinky Truth Or Dare cards.
Start With Touch, Not Orgasm
Not every encounter needs to be fireworks. Take orgasm off the table. Focus on massage, kissing, or just lying skin-to-skin.
Touch is a language. Relearn it. Speak it often. And let it lead wherever it goes, with no pressure to arrive anywhere.
Tools to Reignite Connection
Let’s make it fun again:
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🕯️ Rub Me Tender Massage Candle – Set the mood with scent, warmth, and sensual touch.
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🍫 Date Night Chocolate – Aphrodisiac-infused treats to turn your evening into foreplay.
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💞 Dream Team Couple’s Vibrator Set – Four versatile toys, endless ways to play together.
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🃏 Truth or Dare Kinky Cards – A card game that opens conversation, curiosity, and surprise.
The Role of Self-Pleasure in Partnership
If your own pleasure feels distant, it’s hard to share it with someone else. Masturbation isn’t just solo fun—it’s self-knowledge.
Talk about it. Normalize it. Share what you love. Knowing your own pleasure is a gift to your partner.
How to Create a Sex-Positive Routine
Sexy isn’t just what happens in bed—it’s how you greet each other, touch in passing, make space for play.
Try a weekly “intimacy hour.” Or set a rule: one compliment a day, one touch that’s not goal-oriented. Build the rhythm back, slowly.
When to Seek Support
Still stuck? That’s okay. Sometimes dry spells point to deeper wounds. A therapist or coach can help you navigate without blame.
It’s not about “fixing” your sex life—it’s about rediscovering what intimacy means to both of you now.
Conclusion: You’re Not Broken, You’re Human
No one teaches us how to do this. And the fantasy of effortless passion? It’s just that—a fantasy.
Real desire is built. Nourished. Reclaimed. Even in long-term love, especially in long-term love. You’re not broken. You’re evolving.
Stay curious. Stay connected. Keep showing up for each other—and for your pleasure.